So, I am a coach. Busy people take a pause with me, slow down and reflect, in order to gain clarity. A few weeks ago, a leader told me, “I’m so tired of managing change.”
I thought for a moment and what popped up was, “What if you don’t have to manage it. What if you could have a conversation instead?”
He looked at me for a moment and then breathed out and smiled. The image shifted from standing in the middle carrying the change on his shoulders, to standing more on the side-line, inspiring the change. It was a small shift, but is was valuable for him. Our exploration quickly changed to what he would ask people in that conversation.
🌿 The Secret of a Good Conversation
Let’s contine with the client above. Like most leaders I talk to he works very hard in his conversations. He thinks he has to provide answers, structure, and lead the conversation to the goal. Over the past twenty years, I have sat in hundreds of conversations with leaders and teams. Again and again, I’ve seen that what really works is not complicated, but human: It’s being present.
What is “being present”? To be fully in the moment with your conversation partner, with all of your attention. Be quiet, be there, give space to the other. Pause the other voices in your head for the moment. In that space someone can feel seen, heard and shifts happen. Lead through listening.
This makes presence an encounter on a deeper level. (Karl Bath had a lot to say about that in his research on presence, as had Carl Otto Scharmer in his book “Presencing”).
So, what can you do, in order to “be present”?
🥨 Try this
The first step is to be willing to move from ping-pong = having the next question ready before the other person stops speaking, to breaststroke = letting their last answer carry you to the next question, gliding a bit in between.
Breathing out slowly (and back in, of course) helps and shows your body that you mean it. Instead of thinking of your next question, summarize what you heard the other person say. Allow silence (probably the hardest part).
Concentrate on your conversation partner: Pick up the other person’s mood. Notice their non-verbal communication. Do they look more energised or tired than the last time you spoke to hem? From which word-fields do they source their words: are they more of a seeing, hearing, feeling, or thinking person? What might drive them?
Notice when the other person is most alive in your exchange.
You might discover something you hadn’t expected, a source of energy, pride, or joy that is already there, waiting to be seen. And this is where you ignite the change.
Ask: “How can you connect that energy with the change?”
🥃 An invitation
What questions could you ask to ignite change?
I am offering a free online session: Introduction to Appreciative Inquiry.
If you’d like to experience Appreciative Inquiry in practice, join me on
12 November, 12 – 13h CET.
You’ll experience what appreciative questions feels like and how it can shift the way you lead, collaborate, and communicate.
How do you get in?
Send me an email for a free ticket. There are few spots left.
